Diary of a Do-It-Yourselfer

One thing I am not is handy. My quest to do something myself usually ends with me throwing something across the room and calling someone in to do it for me. I haven’t even figured out how to make a smoothie, much less refinish a nightstand or something ridiculous like that. I have many skills and can be many things to many people, but Bob the Builder I am not.

In honor of the Home Issue — and to answer a friend’s call for assistance with some of her do-it-yourself (DIY) projects — I decided to dedicate myself to the life of a do-it-yourselfer for two whole weeks. I immersed myself in the Style Network home shows and perused the Home Depot ad in the Sunday paper to try to figure out the names of the tools that came with my toolbox. I even developed a slight crush on Ty Pennington from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. I considered myself ready for action.

And action is exactly what I got …

DAY ONE
After the last of six bulbs burn out in my kitchen, I call my apartment complex to come replace the bulbs in the fixture. The woman laughs at me and says they don’t replace light bulbs. It’s not like I want her to change the ones in my lamp — these lights belong to her. Yet somehow I end up feeling like an idiot for even asking. I can see that I am being forced into DIY action. If only I had my own action theme music …

A quick trip to Target and I find what I’m looking for. But at $4 a light, I quickly decide that, since I don’t cook, I really don’t need that much light in my kitchen. Two bulbs later, I’m climbing on the countertops wondering if, were I to fall, my dog is smart enough to go get help. As I see her sniffing her own butt, I realize that I’m as good as dead if I fall off this counter. But the light bulbs get changed and I consider myself one step closer to my own show on HGTV. Success!

DAY THREE
I realize my shower drain is clogged. By the time I’m done with my shower, I’m standing ankle-deep in soapy water. Thank goodness I don’t pee in the shower or I’d be in trouble. (And if you do pee in the shower, maybe you should make sure your drain works before you do it; I’m just sayin’.)

Drano — easy enough. While I’m at it, I’m going to Drano my kitchen sink, too. It just seems right, don’t you think?

DAY SIX
I just bought a great new desk for my office. So I rip open the box and start putting things together. I look at the instructions long enough to count the number of screws and such (I saw someone do this once, so it made me feel very smart to think of it before I started.) And away we go!

Maybe it’s the manual screwdriver, but I am almost instantly tired of fitting these screws into these holes. It’s like they don’t fit! So I run next door and ask to borrow a drill. My neighbor gives me an odd look and then proceeds to give me the drill and some drill bits. Once I’ve drilled the holes a little bigger, the screws fit so much more easily! I wonder how many suckers are wearing themselves out doing it the other way. Losers.

The desk is done and, though it’s a little wobbly, I decide it’s probably just because it’s a cheaper desk. It’ll do. Hooray me!

DAY SEVEN
My friend sees my new desk and asks why it’s so wobbly. I explain it’s a cheap desk and proceed to tell her about my trick of using the drill. She laughs at me — to the point that she starts crying. What is so funny?

She explains to me this thing about an electric screwdriver.

I still think my drill idea was a good one. Flawed, maybe, but I still think I could have been onto something …

DAY NINE
After three episodes of Clean House, I decide reorganizing my home office is a worthy task. I have a lot of wall space, so I should probably put some shelves up to get some things off the floor or off my desk. I dig through my supply closet to find the shelves I bought (I’m a girl — sometimes we buy things just for the sake of buying). What in the hell are these little white things? I know I’ve seen people put them in the wall and screw the screw into it, but screw that!

Speaking of screw, I’ve been to Target and gotten myself a handy-dandy electric screwdriver. It’s charged up and ready for use. I screw the screws for the shelf into the wall and place some pictures on it and, bam — success again! No desk mishaps here, no sir ...

Five minutes later, the shelf falls down, and I see holes in the wall twice the size of the ones I screwed. After a phone call to my screwdriver sensei, I discover the purpose of those little white things. I’m starting to wonder if being a do-it-yourselfer is for me.

DAY TWELVE
I go to take a bath, and the tub isn’t holding the water. I did such a good job unclogging my drain that I can’t get the tub to hold water when I cover the drain? No wonder Bob Vila is so popular — this DIY stuff is hard!

DAY FOURTEEN
I finally decide that to become the ultimate do-ityourselfer, I need to do one thing and one thing only. So I go out to my garage, rummage through a box, and dust off the most important tool of all — a phone book. You never know when you’ll need to call in the experts.

And a phone call? Now THAT I can do.